Sunday, January 14, 2007

Rules For Entering Montana

Rules For Entering Montana:

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road". I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle, saw mills & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like jobs to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-94 go East and West, I-15 goes North and South. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar, air conditioned tractors that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person, in every pickup truck, waves. It's called being friendly, try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a flock of geese is coming in, we will shoot the phone out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear.

7. Yeah, we eat walleye & rainbow trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday, held the closest Sunday to the first of November.

9. In Montana, it is not trendy and is considered very, very unsafe to criticize the USA. God bless John Wayne, Elvis Presley, Audey Murphy, Cary Grant, Charlton Heston, and Jimmy Stewart but the rest of Hollywood is not welcome here.

10. No, there is not a "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Alpine Touch.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, & served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here, as the Vikings and the Seattle Seahawks -- And more fun to watch.

14. Colleges? Try Montana State or the University of Montana. They come out of there with an education--Plus a love for God and country.

15. We have a higher percentage of folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, & Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Montana." If you do, it will get your ass kicked.

16. Many of us are loggers, mill workers, ranchers & miners. For well over a century, we have helped supply beef for your tables, metals for cars, coal for electricity, wood for your homes & paper to wipe your sissy asses. Don't come here and tell us to stop working so you can re-make the whole State into your own no-hunting park.

17. Remember, you came here because Montana is different. It will be kept that way. We don't need or want more shopping malls, housing developments or juice bars.

18. Don't try to use your imported money to re-make Montana into the image of where you just left. If you feel this need, go back home. And yes we do hate you for buying up all of our lake-front properties.

19. Above all, if you are a lawyer or anti-gun nut, just stay away. We are very aware of the fact that attorneys have created a major industry, out of lawsuits & babying criminals with guns. We are hunters and responsible gun lovers.

20. P.S.--Grizzlies are eagerly encouraged to eat out-of-staters.

Thanks to Uncawho for this one.....


At Sunday, January 14, 2007 12:22:00 PM, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

I'm going to adopt these for Ohio, too.

I just need to buy a few more grizzlies...

At Sunday, January 14, 2007 12:38:00 PM, Blogger Mr. Completely said...

Next time I'm in Alaska I'll UPS you a pair and you can raise your own.

...oooops, I guess UPS won't take 1500lb packages.

Guess you'll just have to go there and pick them up in person.

.....Mr. C.

At Sunday, January 14, 2007 6:42:00 PM, Anonymous Darrell said...

Yeah, good luck with that. Colorado got Californicated, I hear they're headed your way.

At Monday, January 15, 2007 11:13:00 AM, Blogger garys said...

With very few changes this could be written about New Hampshire. The southern reaches of which are being called North Massachusetts by some.

Residents of MA who move north and then try to make New Hampshire just like MA, are called "Massholes".

Some people just can't leave well enough alone.


At Monday, January 15, 2007 12:28:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish I lived in a manly state like Montana.

At Monday, January 15, 2007 5:00:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After living in Montana for a year, I would find that these rules are mostly true.
The old Muser

At Monday, January 15, 2007 5:53:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so want to move there.

Much of Western Colorado is like that too, I love it.


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