New Elements Discovered

The development of personal computers has had far reaching effects, particularly in our knowledge of the physical world. Entirely because of the new PC's, several new elements have been discovered and added to the Periodic table. Unfortunately these discoveries did not get much coverage in the media, lost behind far more important stories concerning the latest pop stars and daytime television shows.

To help bring this important information to the forefront, as a Public service I have compiled a short list of these new elements and some of their characteristics:

Element 116: Cantaffordium.
Shortly afer Cantaffordium was discovered, it was quickly adopted as a primary component in many of the newest state-of-the-art computer components, particularly CPU chips, but to a lesser extent, also in other computer components. Cantaffordium has a relatively short life, as it turns into Unobtanium in less than two years.

Element 117: Pentagonium
Pentagonium is very closely related to Cantaffordium, and is produced by high velocity bombardment of Cantaffordium with a large number of dollar bills. The only known user of Pentagonium is the US government, and they won't say what they are using it for. Rumor has it that it is being used in the manufacture of hammers, screw drivers, and toilet seats, but that is only an unsubstantiated rumor.

Element 118: Proprietarium
Proprietarium has been heavily used lately by a number of computer manufacturers in the production of their own unique computer components, particularly motherboards and power supplies. The use of Proprietarium makes it difficult for consumers to obtain repair parts from any source other than the original manufacturer.

Element 119: Windozium
Windozium is an extremely unusual element. It's primary characteristic is the ability to slow things down. In laboratory tests it was able to slow down light from its usual 186,000 miles per second to just over 4 miles per hour. Windozium ore is mined primarily in Redmond, Washington. The slow movement of traffic on I-405, once attributed to too many cars and not enough traffic lanes, has now been conclusively linked to the proximity of I-405 to the Redmond open pit Windozium mines.

Element 120: Unobtainium
Although only discovered in the last few years, Unobtainum is now fully in the main stream, with more and more items being produced from this material. It also seems to be heavily concentrated in areas involving replacement parts for mechanical devices over two years old. It is thought that this is primarily caused by the large number of items initially manufactured from Cantaffordium, and the Cantaffordium then degrading into Unobtainium.

The preceding has been a public service science report from Mr. Completely Labs......