The LARK Program
A Lady Liberal Democrat wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter, in which you roundly criticized our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters very seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. Consequently, you'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place a terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bini Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire several assistant caregivers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
You may need to know that your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand to hand combat and can extinguish human life with simple items as pencils and nail clippers. We advise that you not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion), this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka - as time goes by.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you take the time to keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember ... we'll be watching.
Meanwhile, Good Luck!
United States Secretary of Defense
Hat tip to Jean Mary!